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Today I Am Not The Person I Once Was


Today I am not the person I once was. If you looked at my past would you believe the person I am today? There are things that we hold onto from our past because we think they define us. Holding onto the past can cripple us OR it can remind us of who we once were and how far we have come. I look at my past and see someone who has made mistakes, failures, embarrassing moments, horrible choices. I have felt defeat, loss, guilt, pain. We are not the choices we have made. I have hurt others, I have lied. 
Let it go!

Do not carry the burdens of your past. Release them and remember how they have helped you to change and become who you are.
I remember…..I walked down the hallways as middle schooler thinking I was the coolest kid ever. Only to trip and fall flat on my face in front of all the cool 9th graders,

…embarrassments that strangled me through years of my early teens...
I remember… As a Sophomore I gave into a peer pressure for a boy who didn’t love me. As teenagers who didn’t and couldn’t know what real love was, NEEDING a love that a young boy could NOT give. I lost my virginity in a hope that the ultimate love could keep him. Giving my all did not keep him. My friends and people I went to school with did not know that it happened yet all I could tell myself was that I was not good enough, slut, stupid girl…

….Words that I repeated in my head...
I remember… As a Junior I walked through the halls being nice to everyone but the one kid who needed someone the most. I turned my back on someone and bullied them verbally for acts that I didn’t even know were true.

…Regrets that strangled me through my life…
 All the negativity I could spew at myself I have. I have thought of myself as a liar, as a slut who gave into a boy I thought I loved, I am a bully. I have made these choices yes, BUT I know that without these mistakes I would not be the person I am today. No one remembers the time I fell on my face, only I hold onto this moment. If I had not lost myself to a boy I might not be married to the man I am today. My husband had a rule that he would not take anyone’s virginity. So when we ended up meeting we were honest. If I had been a virgin at the time we might not have ever ended up together. There is no excuse for bullying. But now it has changed me and made me more compassionate to others, it has made be conscious of others feelings and more aware of how I treat people. I try to include and be welcoming to others.

 Smile at who you were and who you have become.
I look back and smile.  The faces I see who have passed through my life. I am grateful for the ones who have touched my life, the ones who are still in it and the ones who were only here for moment. I would not be where I am without the influence they had on me. It’s ok to hold onto memories and be grateful. I look back and my heart is full. I have loved and have been loved.  I am grateful for the boyfriends and crushes that all let me down. If it weren’t for them passing out of my life I would not be where I am, married to an amazing husband who has placed me by his side, walking and learning life together. He has shown me what love is, what sacrifice is, what family is.  Without life leading me to where I am I would not have two amazing beautiful baby boys who spin the world around. There once was a boy who gave me a CD with a song on it when I graduated and moved. When I hear the song it reminds me of him and I smile because it is true. “You'll find better love, Strong as it ever was, Deep as the river runs, Warm as the morning sun, Please remember me” (Tim McGraw-Please Remember Me) I do remember you my friend and the influence you had on my life. AND these lyrics are so true in my life. I have truly found a love that is better, stronger, and deeper than anything I have ever had. I thank you for those who have let me go and that I have let go of for allowing me to find someone so deep in love with me that he sees only me.  Faults and failures mean nothing to him.

XOXO- Beautiful

Dedicated to the one who loves me. I couldn't imagine my life without you. Thank you for loving me faults and all!

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